How Did I Pass WAEC?

”She was the daughter of a Yoruba father and Akwa Ibom mother. Do you know the meaning of that combination? ”

They were playing a football match. S.S.2 Boys versus S.S. 3 Boys. My best friend, Itunu was on the pitch. He was wearing the Number 9 jersey. That means he is playing as a striker. I could never figure how you make two people unable to get a ball or use your head to determine where that ball of air goes to. (I still can’t)

So during this match, I was by the side of the field, lying on a piece of ankara material spread on the ground. Lola was seating on it, and I was lying on the cloth, with my head in her laps. Lola was the fairest girl in S.S.S 2, yellow like overripe pawpaw. She was the daughter of a Yoruba father and Akwa Ibom mother. Do you know the meaning of that combination? That means at 15, she had a posterior that a thirty year old will admire. That means her mammary glands were of water-melonic proportions.

So I was lying on her laps this fine afternoon, while Itunu ran around the field; hitting the ball, getting hit and just stressing. Lola was combing my afro and singing R. Kelly’s ‘Angel’. Did I tell you she was also the Head of the School Choir?

Then in a moment, Itunu looked at me and screamed, ‘Viper dey come! Viper! Viper!!’

I scampered out of fresh laps and took the side of the hostel which linked the Dining Hall. Viper is the school’s Vice Principal. He was known for bringing the full wrath of the law on those caught in acts of lewdness.

***

Valentine’s Day in Boarding House is to die for. It is one of the few events that favour Junior Boys and Seniors alike. As a junior boy in Federal Government College, Odogbolu, my School Father  gave me and Uche, his Valentine gift to deliver. He said we should deliver it immediately the bell to end the Night Prep is rung. Out of boredom, Uche and I checked the package. It contained one tin of Danish Cookies, a bottle of Eva wine and a package of oily, peppery sallah meat and onions wrapped in brown envelope. You all know what happened to the Sallah Meat.

So as a Senior Boy, me too organized Valentine Gift for Lola. The package consisted of Blue Cocktail Wine, Bacchus Lite Wine, a pink scarf and one small teddy bear. I sent someone to deliver this package. Lola, please were ALL these listed contents delivered to you? If not, I will still exact revenge on that junior boy.  Lola too gave me an 80ml bottle of Maines perfume. Please note the difference in quality and quantity of exchanged gifts. Women sha!

So two weeks after the Gift Exchange, I and Lola quarreled, as is common to Teen Affairs. During a Sunday Service, in the middle of the sermon, when the Hall was all quiet, Lola catwalked across the hall filed with the entire student body and dumped the Goody Bag with my Val Gifts on me. The Hall erupted in glee (or whatever emotion). For those concerned, I have recovered and my ego is intact. Just one more fact, she cut off the teddy’s ears. She said it was to signify how ‘I no dey hear word’.

***

The day before vacation is a vigil in CRISSA. Midway through the vigil, me and Lola found ourselves in an empty classroom. We spent two hours arguing on whether I can peck her or not. The House Master walked in on us and told us to write a statement. After plenty begging, during which Lola just stood chewing gum, he let us go. I still don’t know why she did not beg that day.

***

Getting suspended in secondary school is like getting a sack in today’s corporate world. You see your world flash before your eyes. You see The End. Anyways, I got suspended for some offence. Lola stuck around and cried. Men, she cried buckets that day. At a point, her friends came around and cried too. They just stood on the corridor crying for my ‘truncated destiny’. Nice stuff.

***

These things meant a lot back then. I wonder where one got the money for all those gifts. But most importantly, One Thing Beats Me; considering all these, How Did I Pass WAEC?