Posts Tagged ‘Resignation’

The first time I took weed, my dad gave it to me.

*hits blunt*

*hits blunt*

I walked into the compound and there he was sitting on the brown chairs in front of our house.

In his hand was a piece of paper with premium high grade weed in it.

He motioned to me wordlessly to come over.

See, I don’t claim to be spiritual and all but I know an epochal moment when I see one.

I approached him wordlessly.

He passed the open, crumpled sheet of paper to me and said ‘Wetin be this?’.

I sniffed, I sniffed again. I placed some grains and dried leaves between my hands, tasted it and proclaimed in a low, sober voice, ‘Igbo’.

‘Na wetin I see for inside the bus. That’s what the driver has been taking. No wonder he doesn’t bring complete money again’.

I just shook my head.

Later that evening, as I went around my baby boy business, my dad called me again ‘Osis the Boy’

I said ‘Sah!’

He said ‘How could you recognize weed so quick? Have you been taking it too?’

Popsy was like 'How you take know say that ting na weed?'

Popsy was like ‘How you take know say that ting na weed?’

See, I am not criticizing anyone but I felt betrayed. You stand up for family, you do some research for family, you dedicate your nasal glands, taste buds and years of experience to the service of the family business and this is what you get? This!?

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My dad’s switchup had me like

Look, why did I share this with you? I don’t know man. I really don’t know.

***

See,

You confide to your Pastor that you are worried that your fiancée snores. He then asks you if you’ve been fornicating cos how else will you know if your fiancée snores. What you gonna do?

You take a female interest for Bobo Omotayo’s book reading and midway she looks at you with doe eyes, squeezes your hand and tells you she loves Bobo Omotayo’s mind. I say what you gonna do?

You got a crush on your superior and express it by sending the most detailed meeting minutes hoping she notices that such pristine meeting minutes are art and show intent. Yet she doesn’t notice. I ask again, what you gonna do?

You’re on the akara queue, you have paid your dues: you didn’t cuss, you didn’t shove, you swear you didn’t for once say ‘Madam, hurry up’, yet the person in front of you buys up the entire tray. I am crying here. I say, what you gonna do?

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Your younger brother has a light skinned, sixteen year old girlfriend and for all your hustle, all you have is a ‘bestie’ that doesn’t stay in Lagos. People treating you anyhow cos they know you’re single and don’t have anyone to cry out to; I say what you gonna do?

***

I recently took up salsa man.

It’s my retirement plan.

I wanna leave the bank and you know, be a dancer.

It’s all too much for me here

So in my bid to make everything art, I recorded my resignation on a mixtape with Chris Brown’s Deuces playing in the background, please give your opinion before I forward same to HR.

Kindly preview here:

***

I had a customer experience issue the other day.

No , I am not angry but I have just one wish: when I die, can some Konga staff be among my pall bearers, so they can let me down one last time?

Parting Shots

Listened to ‘Di Spear’ by Nas and Damian Marley? Heavy. Holla, let me link you up.

Distant Relatives

The island is crazy man. But some business owners are keeping it real for hustle boys. There’s this place called FarmFresh. It’s just after the Place. It’s a seaside bar and the carpet is made of green turf. Well, their beer is N500 and their asun is N500. That’s as good as it gets here.

My book matter: I swear the book will be in stores by my next blog post. Please see a review of it that was published on the Guardian. Almost there now.

An online version of it is also available here: http://ngrguardiannews.com/artnew/178630-a-narrative-that-s-40-per-cent-fiction

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Jehova I di ebube

na ebe anyi no

Jehovaaaaaaaaaaaa, I DI EBUBE!!!!

I mara ma, I kariri ihe a si n’ibu

The other day, one big company contacted me. That’s how they started pricing my market in dollars.

They called me for interview.

Out of desperation, see the way I was answering questions.

They said ‘Osisiye, what can you do?’

I said ‘I can take Datsun and change it to Toyota’

They said ‘Can you speak French?’

I said ‘Quelqun ton fait?’

I could see the money. I was already planning what I will do. First, I will stop buying eight naira bread in the morning. That thing just makes me sleep. Or could it be the akara? I was sha ready to be a better person.

Then they started. Oh! I didn’t tell you; they were all Indians on the panel.

‘Mr. Tafa, are you lazy? You know Nigerians are lazy. Can you work twelve hours everyday including weekends? Sometimes we work overnight too.’

One of them that looks like he doesn’t get enough sex, looked at me and said ‘I hope you are not married? Shey you don’t have sister or mother? We want you to be able to travel anytime. Hope you don’t go and marry soon?’

Another one said ‘Do you have good image in Nigeria?’

At the end, I said, see, wetin hot go still cold. Let me jeje go back to my former job.

As I was going home, a mail came in from a company I had long interviewed in: ‘You have been found suitable for the role…Come and pick up your offer letter’

At this point, let’s dance: grabs female blog reader; *Holds her close, arms at her waist, I whisper, my breath fans her neck, Someone’s playing a guitar somewhere; I lean in, She feels good, and smells better, We lean in for one moment and I break away*

Boy, was I pumped?

I have always dreamt of my resignation. I would have Adele’s ‘Someone Like You’ playing in the background. It’s not going that way. Thing is I applied for a leave, and then resigned, thus taking my leave out of my resignation notice period, and the church says ‘Smooth’. I did all these in the same mail thread and my boss replied with one word: ‘Bagger’.

I didn’t choose this life, it specially chose me.

Guys, please join with me, singing:

O diro onye di ka gi Jehovah

O diro onye di ka gi

Idi ebube I mara ma

O diro onye di ka gi

***

Out of the blues, My dad sent an SMS; he’s coming to visit. First visit to my pad. Boy, was I tensioned: Is the house too small? Does the room smell of…nvm? I mean, what does the room smell of? Should I change the sheets or just buy new sheets?

Then Simba:

Started from puppy

Started from puppy

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Now we here

He now does this thing in which he barks, drools saliva and vibrates the cage. I spoke to him that see, you can’t do this when Popsy comes o! The general idea is ‘Osisiye is a brave and nurturing young man’, not ‘Osisiye is a wild youth who keeps a wild animal’

Then I had to sanitize the house of all these bad-bad things. A trusted advisor said I should leave a few cans of beer around; that if the house was too neat, my Dad would know it was a scam.

See, I am (was) an Akure Boy. So growing up, we had fan instead of AC and we used to warm food in the morning, no microwave and stuff.

So immediately my dad came, I was eager to impress him, I put the AC on max. He just eyed it and said ‘Osisiye, you no see weather? Abeg, off that thing. Small time, my nose go begin dey run’.

Earlier, I had bought medium catfish, efirin (scent leaf), pepper soup ingredients, cayenne pepper and yam. So I started cooking. I even put sugar in the yam, the thing was like WAEC for me.

Me and Dad

Me and Dad

I served him. See, from the place where we come, we don’t compliment. So after eating, my dad just said ‘Who teach you pepper soup cook?’.

Guys! D’you know what that means in the place where we come? It means ‘The food is good. Bravo! You, are a star’. I know because if the pepper was too much, he would have said ‘E be like say pepper cheap for this side?’

After eating, he was calm. Then he looked at the fridge top and said ‘Osisiye, d’you drink?’

I said ‘No sah’

He said ‘No be hot I dey see for there so?’

I don’t like this. After hustling to buy Hennessy, it gets to be called ‘hot’. Is ‘Hot’ not dem Aromatic Schnapps and stuff?

I just told him ‘It’s Hennessy…V-S-O-Pee sah!’

He spoke some more about the serenity of the island. Then lay down to sleep. I was happy. He had eaten, now he was resting. The visit was a success. Why was I worried all along?

Then it started to rain.

PS: My roof still leaks.

Parting Shots:

(i)                 Have you read Invisible Man by Ralph Elison? You should. I’ll give a pdf copy to anyone who wants.

(ii)               Have you listened to Shima Yam by Bemyoda? Deep stuff. Here’s the link.

Bem

(iii)             Have you mixed hot Hennessy with Coke? What the hell are you waiting for?

Drinks on Chill