Posts Tagged ‘Otherness’

I’m not gonna come and say s**t like ‘dusts cobwebs’ cos I didn’t forget about this here platform, I knew about it, I was aware of it, shii, I even read it sometimes – and complained about the blogger not updating frequently before I remembered I was ‘the blogger’ – I just didn’t write.

Why?

I can’t give what you have (or something like that). See, I started this thing as a comedian. Now, I have to keep being funny, which is not funny. I live in Lagos and work in Access Bank, it’s not funny. So I have been writing tons of not-funny but real stuff which I couldn’t publish here.

But here we are.

Swimming in Eko Hotel

Was in Eko Hotel the other day to have  a drink during their price slash hour.. Next thing, body started sweeting me so I went to the men’s changing room, stripped, had a shower and entered their pool.

Strip off

Strip off

They're dead

They’re dead

I was all up there – freestyle, breast stroke, dog paddle. At a point, I noticed two waiters in uniform were walking beside me around the pool, I stuck my head out and they were very courteous.

‘Sir, hope you are having a nice swim?’

I said ‘But of course’

They said ‘Are you a guest or visitor?’

I told them that I just played and entered Eko Hotel ni.

They said ‘Good’

Later one said, ‘Sir, you forgot to take a bathrobe and towel’. That’s how they gave me all these things and were just doing me as if I am more than I am.

I just came out of the pool and started reflecting on my life. That so there is a place in this Lagos I will come and they will treat me like this, and I have been wasting my life in that bastard Shaunz Bar that sometimes you will not see where to sit. I was surprised cos if you don’t have accent in this Lagos, that’s how they will just be doing you anyhow.

Reflecting

Reflecting

As I stepped out, they approached me with silver tray that had paper inside.

I opened the paper. What did I see in the paper?

BILL OF TEN THOUSAND NAIRA!!!

I told them that I did not drink anything when I was inside the pool, apart from maybe a little pool water.

They smiled and said No, that non-guests that use the pool are to pay Ten Thousand Naira. At this point, I was wearing just boxers near the cold pool, but I was sweating.

I wanted to reflect but shebi I just finished reflecting?

See, it’s not everywhere you go and pull cloth and start showing yourself in this Lagos, you hear?! There are places like Shaunz Bar that with small money, you can have a nice time and they will treat you well not  the ones that will seize your cloth and

 Saturday Morning

I was at the long tennis court this Saturday morning, just having fun. Next thing, one guy won someone 14-0, won the next person 14-1. Ah!

His game was on fire. We noticed he was just serving people with force and he was not talking much. Just giving everybody 14-0 as if it’s communion.

At a point, someone asked him ‘Bro, is everything alright?’.

That’s when he replied

‘Today’s my wedding…stupid woman…she’s in the church now…I’m not going to pick my call. Let her suffer. She’s a stupid woman’.

As he was talking, I used style and peep into his knapsack, the thing showed 104 missed calls.

I just went to sit in one corner and said ‘Chi’m!’

See, I want to pray for all of you that visit my blog

Kneel down.

You, kneel down! You’re the one that is single, you’re the one that is stubborn.

‘May they not be playing tennis when you’re in front of altar. Amen?’

You women too should be careful. Only God knows the kind of evil one of you did that a man said it’s tennis he will go and play on his wedding day.

 Parting Shots

  • My book is out in stores o. It’s available at Terra Kulture, Laterna, Konga and Amazon.
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  • I did my book launch the other day. I didn’t invite you and in so doing, I didn’t try. I know. Sorry.
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  • I have another event this month, a book reading. It’s at Terra Kulture on Saturday, July 25 and it’s from 5 p.m. to 7p.m. I’m your boy, please come!