Posts Tagged ‘Beer’

We were in the cafeteria, and the conversation spun, from Manchester City’s win, where to get beer at pump price, who looked pregnant, to the feasibility of office crushes and finally to…Dads. Surprised?

Feyi

E Go Show You Your Sin For Bible!

When you annoy my dad, he will bring out Bible and show you where you offend. He will show you your sin in the Bible and both of you will pray about it. After una don pray, you think the next thing is to hug and talk about how to further grow your spiritual lives ba? That’s when he will bring out the pankere – cane that bends but does not break – and almost claim your life with beating!

Feyi after the prayers!

Feyi after the prayers!

Abayomi

Wa rora ma mu ni o!

I remember first time my dad saw me drinking. We went to a wedding at some faraway town. When we got there, there was no water or juice. My dad  ordered beer, I was thirsty: I ordered beer too. I made sure to avoid eye contact. They brought his beer, cold and frothing. He poured and gulped.

#anothersaturdayanotherasoebi

They brought mine too, as I poured, I avoided eye contact. I could feel him staring me down though.

Immediately I brought the cup to my lips, I heard him bark, ‘Wa rora ma mu ni o!’ (You will gently drink it o/Drink with caution a.k.a Use soffry and be gulping the drink)

My dad after my first cup!

My dad after my first cup!

Immediately I finished the first cup, he took the remaining in the bottle and said ‘Ehn-ehn! O ti to’ (It’s enough/You have reached your limit/I will now take over from here/Kindly exit the building)

Guess who finished the remaining in the bottle? My dad 🙂

Abayomi

‘Would you like a taxi or the ferry?’

Back then, my dad had a girlfriend. Whenever we were headed to school, she would join us on the ferry. My dad would tell us to move to the backseat while she would sit beside him on the ferry. On the return trip in the evening, he would ask her, ‘Would you like to take a taxi or the ferry?’ (in British accent)

One day, we told our mum this.

In the evening, as she served him dinner, she leaned in and asked loudly in pseudo British accent, ‘Would you like to take a taxi or the ferry?’

My dad looked at us with what in later years I got to realize as the ‘Judas Stare’.

You let me down son!

You let me down son!

From that day onwards, we got no more ferry rides and thing is till date, we don’t know how they got to resolve that issue!

Kunle

I Could Be Your Pasta Queen

My dad liked Spaghetti Bolognese, you know jollof pasta with minced meat and very visible green peppers ontop!

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The secretary knew and brought him a cooler of this once in a while.

My mum got wind  of this somehow and the next week, we had  on Monday morning: pasta and stew, Monday evening: pasta fried in curry sauce, Tuesday morning: Bolognese pasta, Tuesday evening: pasta and hot chilli sauce, Wednesday morning, pasta with palm oil and dried fish.

My dad as my mum served pasta for the 6th time that week!

My dad as my mum served pasta for the 6th time that week!

On Wednesday evening, as we chomped mouthfuls of pasta wondering when the tribulation will end, my dad publicly said ‘Abike, ma binu’ (He publicly apologized to my mum on the dinner table).

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Only then was normalcy restored.

Tunde

Whatever you do: under-dress!

When my sister brought her husband for traditional wedding, my dad took one look at him and decided he was but a struggling young blogger man. My dad sent my elder brother to make sure the women who usually came, took off their wrappers and put it on the floor asking for money did not get to do that and he basically gave out my sister for free!

At this point in the conversation, I decided when going for my traditional wedding, I would go dressed in shorts, beach slippers and hoisting a tiny knapsack. Hopefully, the bride’s parents show me such mercy and ask for only one pineapple and watermelon for their daughter. Amen?

Abayomi (Again)

During holidays, we followed my dad to his office. Deal was we were to read there. Mumu me come carry love letter along with my books.  It was from a girl that I just bought perfume for. When we got home, I checked for the love letter, I could not find it, I bone! As we entered the office, the next day, there was the crumpled, forgotten love letter on my dad’s table. He took it, opened it and read.

Immediately he finished reading, I say immediately he finished reading….

Guys, I can’t! Bahahahaha!

Parting Shots

I am currently reading ‘I Am Malala’ by Malala Yousafzai: the girl that was shot by the Taliban for going to school. It’s a good read considering the feminist talk social media has been awash with recently. If you want a copy, do like this: O/

cover

I like events; what they mean and what they will mean.

One of my office mates is getting married. It’s kind of a big deal.

#mistahayoforthemandem #skelewu #SEMcantholdusback #OfficeMate #BigMoment #WeRanOuttaHashtags

#mistahayoforthemandem #skelewu #SEMcantholdusback #OfficeMate #BigMoment #WeRanOuttaHashtags

First, the jokes:

The other boys come in and say ‘Ay, bring me a male and female doll so I show you how, so you don’t have to call Pastor in the night to ask ‘what next sir?’

Others just shout ‘Licensed To Shoot’ whenever they pass him in the hallway

The more practical ones leave a complimentary bottle of Alomo, Ogidiga or plastic bottle of roots (burantashi) on his desk.

It’s all healthy.

We went to the registry today and I like that place. Seems like the whole Lagos is getting married.

Then the suspicious mixed marriages: whenever I see an (old) expatriate and a Nigerian getting married, I think mischievous.

When you marry in a registry, they remove the emotions. The woman says stuff like ‘You cannot enter another agreement if you are still in this one o! You must leave this one first or you will collect 5 years imprisonment’, ‘Oya, sign here’ Then she snaps at the photographer (me), ‘Snap fast’.

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When getting married at the registry, you must wear a tie. If you don’t have one, a couple of folks already sell there

I would like to marry there though. No stress man. The praise singers are already there. Ade provides the ambience with her machine which generates bubbles..  And it makes marriage seem like serious business, which it is.

That's Ade!

That’s Ade! She thinks I ask too many questions.

Parting Shots:

(i) The most important thing about beer is the glass that it comes in. Try cold beer in one of these #ThankMeLater

#anothersaturdayanotherasoebi

#anothersaturdayanotherasoebi

(ii) Read Carlos Moore’s ‘Fela: This Bitch Of A Life’? Please do. My fave is when they asked Fela how he felt first time he met his wife, he replied ‘I felt like to fuck man’. Such sincerity.

Fela this bitch of a life

(iii) It could feel empty sometimes, that’s why you have to participate in a higher cause like volunteering. Slum 2 School here is a good one: http://www.slumtoschool.org

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