Archive for the ‘Uncategorized’ Category

Bye bye

Posted: September 27, 2016 in Uncategorized

Hi guys,
It’s been a while and well, this blog has moved to http://www.out-sider.xyz
Thanks for all the nice times enjoyed here
I will always look back at it with a smile

Cheers

You look forward to your first time and all you remember is the pregnancy scare. You look forward to your first flight and all remember is your stomach sinking. You dream of meeting your crush and all you remember is that she’s human, a bit.

I have always known fear but she likes to change her looks. First, she was the koboko my dad hung on the wall – 4 strands of dried leather, cream coloured and innocent. Then the silent hush of an assembly as the Principal called out the punishment for the ‘bad eggs that were caught in town’. Then it was the harsh glare of the bathroom light, smell of urine and harsh whisper of you asking ‘What did it say? Are you pregnant ni?’ Then it was your job, your boss and now you called it a new name, ‘anxiety’. So you left the damn job but that was throwing drops of water on a fire because anxiety fear is a sly thing who knows your home address.

This year disappointed me, like the rest. Maybe because I thought I would achieve Finish. But you walked on water when you published your book, then you learnt how to swim because one thing leads to another and even that didn’t last. I should stop looking for success in one place, because things have come and gone and all that remains is whisky.

Reading is as important as its accompaniment. Read ‘This Bitch of a Life’ with Fela playing. Read ‘A Brief History of Seven Killings’ with Bob Marley playing, and ‘Midnight Ravers’ on a continuous loop. Read ‘Gone with the Wind’ with Frank Sinatra playing. I read this year with the wrong song playing, with no song actually. We experience what we experience but how we experience it is what matters. It seems as if this year was a beach party and I showed up in brogues. It was supposed to be a party but I turned up sober. It was a Muslim get-together and I brought pork chops. I told Efe the background to this and I hope he told you because I can’t write everything down myself

In 11 days, I will be 26 and that is far from 25 and even farther from my twenties and I miss when life was a party to be thrown. But there’s an issue, I can’t remember being 22.

I remember 20 – graduated school.

21 – worked for a campaign team.

Then 23 – changed alliance from vodka to whisky.

But see, no 22. I try to remember being 22 but I can’t. No one can. There’s also another thing, I fear that I never had the chance to be young. I was too eager for life to start properly, and that’s why I pressed the Pause button recently.

If you date somebody who didn’t live good before and you start giving him blowjobs and doing different positions, you can spoil him. – Svetlana Z

That’s what happened to me. I turned down the volume on life but I am not used to this silence. I gave my life’s occupants a quit notice but now there’s air whistling through the spaces and I want my life back, not that one, not that f***ing one.

It’s still not Finish. I fear that I will crash and burn, that I’ll never have kids or be able to afford them. D’you understand what I’m saying without speaking? This year disappointed me, like the rest and I could come here and say I want to do this and that next year but I don’t like people who only talk about what they are about to do.

I’m not gonna come and say s**t like ‘dusts cobwebs’ cos I didn’t forget about this here platform, I knew about it, I was aware of it, shii, I even read it sometimes – and complained about the blogger not updating frequently before I remembered I was ‘the blogger’ – I just didn’t write.

Why?

I can’t give what you have (or something like that). See, I started this thing as a comedian. Now, I have to keep being funny, which is not funny. I live in Lagos and work in Access Bank, it’s not funny. So I have been writing tons of not-funny but real stuff which I couldn’t publish here.

But here we are.

Swimming in Eko Hotel

Was in Eko Hotel the other day to have  a drink during their price slash hour.. Next thing, body started sweeting me so I went to the men’s changing room, stripped, had a shower and entered their pool.

Strip off

Strip off

They're dead

They’re dead

I was all up there – freestyle, breast stroke, dog paddle. At a point, I noticed two waiters in uniform were walking beside me around the pool, I stuck my head out and they were very courteous.

‘Sir, hope you are having a nice swim?’

I said ‘But of course’

They said ‘Are you a guest or visitor?’

I told them that I just played and entered Eko Hotel ni.

They said ‘Good’

Later one said, ‘Sir, you forgot to take a bathrobe and towel’. That’s how they gave me all these things and were just doing me as if I am more than I am.

I just came out of the pool and started reflecting on my life. That so there is a place in this Lagos I will come and they will treat me like this, and I have been wasting my life in that bastard Shaunz Bar that sometimes you will not see where to sit. I was surprised cos if you don’t have accent in this Lagos, that’s how they will just be doing you anyhow.

Reflecting

Reflecting

As I stepped out, they approached me with silver tray that had paper inside.

I opened the paper. What did I see in the paper?

BILL OF TEN THOUSAND NAIRA!!!

I told them that I did not drink anything when I was inside the pool, apart from maybe a little pool water.

They smiled and said No, that non-guests that use the pool are to pay Ten Thousand Naira. At this point, I was wearing just boxers near the cold pool, but I was sweating.

I wanted to reflect but shebi I just finished reflecting?

See, it’s not everywhere you go and pull cloth and start showing yourself in this Lagos, you hear?! There are places like Shaunz Bar that with small money, you can have a nice time and they will treat you well not  the ones that will seize your cloth and

 Saturday Morning

I was at the long tennis court this Saturday morning, just having fun. Next thing, one guy won someone 14-0, won the next person 14-1. Ah!

His game was on fire. We noticed he was just serving people with force and he was not talking much. Just giving everybody 14-0 as if it’s communion.

At a point, someone asked him ‘Bro, is everything alright?’.

That’s when he replied

‘Today’s my wedding…stupid woman…she’s in the church now…I’m not going to pick my call. Let her suffer. She’s a stupid woman’.

As he was talking, I used style and peep into his knapsack, the thing showed 104 missed calls.

I just went to sit in one corner and said ‘Chi’m!’

See, I want to pray for all of you that visit my blog

Kneel down.

You, kneel down! You’re the one that is single, you’re the one that is stubborn.

‘May they not be playing tennis when you’re in front of altar. Amen?’

You women too should be careful. Only God knows the kind of evil one of you did that a man said it’s tennis he will go and play on his wedding day.

 Parting Shots

  • My book is out in stores o. It’s available at Terra Kulture, Laterna, Konga and Amazon.
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  • I did my book launch the other day. I didn’t invite you and in so doing, I didn’t try. I know. Sorry.
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  • I have another event this month, a book reading. It’s at Terra Kulture on Saturday, July 25 and it’s from 5 p.m. to 7p.m. I’m your boy, please come!

 

Ah. 2014 man.

2014 felt like a free kick. Defence lined up in front, protecting their crotches. Team mates waiting for the loose ball. Muscle pull.

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I walk into my compound at the end of a work day. I walk in on Simba as he chases a lizard into the space between the AC and the wall. He looks up at me, confused. If he comes to ‘greet’ me, the lizard escapes. If he chases the lizard, he breaks our unspoken human – dog respect arrangement. He has to choose between me and the lizard, and it’s a tough choice.

That was my 2014, man. I had to choose between friendship and stuff. I’m just here looking at these stripes wondering if it was all worth it.

 

Simba chose the lizard over me btw.

I walk into my house, sorry room. There’s no power. Simba wants to come in too. I don’t have a problem with this when there’s power and the AC is on but with no power, his presence just makes the room hotter. But I am a good man, and I let him in. He repays the kindness by farting in the already hot room. One moment, the room was calm, next moment, the air is tense with dog fart. I’m just like ‘Et tu Simba? But I trusted you’.

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That was my 2014, man. In my search for companionship, I allowed people close and they fucked shit up. I’m just here looking at my symbols wondering if it was all worth it.

I swear, sometimes I be at the beach and I see something from my past life; like my ex. So I call Simba and ask ‘Oi homie, ain’t that ***** in the distance?’.Simba comes over, takes a good look and says ‘It’s aii master, it’s just a wave’.

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That was 2014 man. In 2014, loneliness became a place, something I could walk into and tell you the colour of its walls. It’s actually a mix of pink with soft grays and slightly damp walls. You know, the kind of loneliness experienced by one in a big city where there’s a traffic jam, but you are alone in your car, windows wound up, doors manually locked, playing the latest Asa album. The one where you celebrate victories by opening a bottle of red alone, or giving your dog an extra helping of Jo-Jo lamb sauce.

In 2014, I learnt gratitude. I’m thankful, man.

In 2015, I just wanna be more deliberate, man. And more thankful. I wanna be like the leper that came back to say Thank You. I wanna look at these things and understand they were not here before, identify my objects of gratitude, yeah that kind of thing.

I wanna use this moment to just say thanks to a few people who made 2014 worthwhile.

First, the Johnny Walker Company.See, when you are in my place in society, it can be stress going to the mall everytime to buy a bottle of whisky. But the good folks at Johhny Walker just brought out this 1 Litre bottle  of whiskey. So now, I can buy a few bottles and they will last me a week or two. Also, between August 27 and September 8, they had this price slash. So a One Litre bottle of Johnny Walker’s Red Label retailed for #1,560 as opposed to #2,870. I will forever be grateful for that, man.

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Then the folks at Chocolate City, for dropping the most fire album of 2014. I put that ‘Chairman’ album on some whisky and got hit with some clarity.

Then most importantly, my landlady. Paid my rent for the 3rd consecutive year last week Wednesday and this good lady has still not increased the rent. That’s rare in Lekki, man. I’m blessed, man.

I don’t even know, man. See, last post, I said I wasn’t gonna come back here if the book wasn’t in print already. Well, it has been published. That’s it.

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But you can’t buy it. Listen, man. I’m not yet ready to be a writer. See, in preparation of being a writer and stoffs, I’ve been fuxing with the writer community. Hell, I even made a checklist of things to get (and I’ve gotten them): Ray Bans, keep bushy hair, wear ankara print shapeless blouses, write with pencil instead of biro and pause after every sentence.

Then this happened.

Was at a book reading the other day, author reads from his book then folks in the audience hit him with a zillion questions: ‘Are you ghana dance? If we show you the money? Are you Ghana dance? If we show you the way?’ I said fuck you man. See, I hate to be asked questions man. So these books are gonna remain in their pretty brown cartons in my room till readers change. Or maybe I can reach an understanding that folks read the book, understand it as food for the soul and let things be. You ain’t Frank, I’m not the audience. No questions man.

I don’t know man. It’s tough man. I gottta go. No, really I gotta go.

Bless.

The first time I took weed, my dad gave it to me.

*hits blunt*

*hits blunt*

I walked into the compound and there he was sitting on the brown chairs in front of our house.

In his hand was a piece of paper with premium high grade weed in it.

He motioned to me wordlessly to come over.

See, I don’t claim to be spiritual and all but I know an epochal moment when I see one.

I approached him wordlessly.

He passed the open, crumpled sheet of paper to me and said ‘Wetin be this?’.

I sniffed, I sniffed again. I placed some grains and dried leaves between my hands, tasted it and proclaimed in a low, sober voice, ‘Igbo’.

‘Na wetin I see for inside the bus. That’s what the driver has been taking. No wonder he doesn’t bring complete money again’.

I just shook my head.

Later that evening, as I went around my baby boy business, my dad called me again ‘Osis the Boy’

I said ‘Sah!’

He said ‘How could you recognize weed so quick? Have you been taking it too?’

Popsy was like 'How you take know say that ting na weed?'

Popsy was like ‘How you take know say that ting na weed?’

See, I am not criticizing anyone but I felt betrayed. You stand up for family, you do some research for family, you dedicate your nasal glands, taste buds and years of experience to the service of the family business and this is what you get? This!?

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My dad’s switchup had me like

Look, why did I share this with you? I don’t know man. I really don’t know.

***

See,

You confide to your Pastor that you are worried that your fiancée snores. He then asks you if you’ve been fornicating cos how else will you know if your fiancée snores. What you gonna do?

You take a female interest for Bobo Omotayo’s book reading and midway she looks at you with doe eyes, squeezes your hand and tells you she loves Bobo Omotayo’s mind. I say what you gonna do?

You got a crush on your superior and express it by sending the most detailed meeting minutes hoping she notices that such pristine meeting minutes are art and show intent. Yet she doesn’t notice. I ask again, what you gonna do?

You’re on the akara queue, you have paid your dues: you didn’t cuss, you didn’t shove, you swear you didn’t for once say ‘Madam, hurry up’, yet the person in front of you buys up the entire tray. I am crying here. I say, what you gonna do?

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Your younger brother has a light skinned, sixteen year old girlfriend and for all your hustle, all you have is a ‘bestie’ that doesn’t stay in Lagos. People treating you anyhow cos they know you’re single and don’t have anyone to cry out to; I say what you gonna do?

***

I recently took up salsa man.

It’s my retirement plan.

I wanna leave the bank and you know, be a dancer.

It’s all too much for me here

So in my bid to make everything art, I recorded my resignation on a mixtape with Chris Brown’s Deuces playing in the background, please give your opinion before I forward same to HR.

Kindly preview here:

***

I had a customer experience issue the other day.

No , I am not angry but I have just one wish: when I die, can some Konga staff be among my pall bearers, so they can let me down one last time?

Parting Shots

Listened to ‘Di Spear’ by Nas and Damian Marley? Heavy. Holla, let me link you up.

Distant Relatives

The island is crazy man. But some business owners are keeping it real for hustle boys. There’s this place called FarmFresh. It’s just after the Place. It’s a seaside bar and the carpet is made of green turf. Well, their beer is N500 and their asun is N500. That’s as good as it gets here.

My book matter: I swear the book will be in stores by my next blog post. Please see a review of it that was published on the Guardian. Almost there now.

An online version of it is also available here: http://ngrguardiannews.com/artnew/178630-a-narrative-that-s-40-per-cent-fiction

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Nigga!

Posted: August 21, 2014 in Uncategorized

I was in my room, it was raining heavily. The breeze zipped in past the mosquito net, filled the room and made cold catch me

You say weather for what?

Nigga, we here fighting for survival!

Immediately, I noticed the oncoming rain, I called Simba inside cos rain almost carried him the last time

Then we waited.

The rain started outside, then it came inside.

And this time, turtle floated into my room too.

Any turtle that swims into my room on its own is my friend now

Any turtle that swims into my room on its own is my friend now

I said ‘That’s it. I have had enough. I am going to learn how to swim’

Simba himself is a dope swimmer, so only me signed up at Aquasaf Swimming Institute.

Lol. Nigga!

I said as I was almost drowning during my first lesson, I saw a three year old girl swimming backwards.

I tried to remember what I used my own childhood for. I remembered I was always playing counter game and doing tospee back then.

I just went under the water and cried.

***

It’s my last swimming lesson. Coach Sunny brought fifty kobo coin; he would throw it into the pool and say ‘Fetch’.

That’s karma for you, what you do to your dog will come back to meet you.

End of lesson, he calls me to the side and gives me final advice: ‘So Osi, when you come here alone, make sure you stay in the shallow side and make sure people are around so they will save you if you are drowning in the shallow side’.

I thought I was now a professional swimmer. I was so confuse. I couldn’t even ask for refund.

But this is a video of me swimming these days sha: https://www.dropbox.com/s/kdf9ms1lsmmagqk/Pool%20Video.mp4

 Please ignore the weird way my ass shoots out of the water. Ladies, I have a little something for you at the end of the video *wink*

It’s Hard To Be Straight

It’s hard to be straight, man.

We’re in the canteen and I casually ask my male colleague, ‘You get Snapchat? Add me’

Nigga looks at me like, Nigga!

Nigga!

Nigga!

I just started swimming and it’s sweeting me. I ping male friend and say ‘Make we go swim’

Nigga looks at me like, Nigga!

 

Nigga!

Nigga!

And the Book matter

You guys know I’ve been working on a book ba?

It’s now ready sha

Please help me choose which one to use among these book covers:

Option A

Option A

Option B

Option B

And see review Thisday published on Sunday about my book here: http://bit.ly/VGMF1v

Thisday

Everything will soon be ready sha

There Are Levels

Guys, there are levels to car wahala

There is when they remove your four tyres and put the car on stone. It’s painful

There is when they put your engine under a jangolova, and use chain to jack up the engine and jack down your savings

Then there is when the spare part they need for your car, they will call courier to bring it and those ones will use power – bike to come and drop the part

The baddest is when Rewire will bring out the wire in your car and start joining – joining wire and saying ‘Se o ti tan?’

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Whenever I am in mechanic workshop, I say I will just be walking around, looking at these levels and saying ‘I am covered by the Blood of Jesus. Not my portion’

Parting Shot

I don’t like to share joints with people. Because you carry your friend somewhere, next thing, he will do birthday there and carry the whole world there. Next time you go to your own joint, waiter will tell you there is no space. But Lagos is hard. One stick meat there, one fish roll there, they will tell you your bill is 12k. So I will start sharing my okay and cheap places to help you people. See, this place in Agungi. One k (N1000), and you get this. It’s after VTL Supermarket. Cheers.

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I have had a rethink

Posted: June 12, 2012 in Deep, Uncategorized
Tags: , ,

Nothing should waste. Even bad things. If bad things shouldn’t waste, that means nothing is truly bad ba? Let’s leave philosophy for another day.

Last week, my heart was heavy. It sunk to the bottom like water under oil.  I made a post and couldn’t bring myself to respond to comments on it. Blog faithfuls, I hope you understand?

In the wake of those events, I have had a rethink on so many things. Let me share them with you.

If I was there, I would have used not a few swear words at the airport. I do that when confronted with bureaucratic procedures and a little delay. I would have grunted grudgingly at the hostesses and stared down at the loud person making a call just before take-off. I would have been human.

In the wake of it, my family members who haven’t seen me in a year would mourn a memory. My friends (few) would write notes about me. Most of these notes would contain information I already have in my CV and not memories.

I have had a rethink on so many things.

I really should go and see my people. It’s been a while. Technology is a thief. She rips us of what is important and gives us the chaff. You get so comfortable with listening to metallic voices on the phone and watching BBM updates, that a physical presence become secondary-a vestigial organ that can be done away with.

I have toyed with the idea of having my younger brother over. You know, have a weekend with him, take him to the mall-pick up a few stuffs that catch his eye. Go to the cinemas, play ‘monkey post’’ at the beach as we used to when younger-that kinda thing. The plan has always remained in my head. Well, I have finally fixed a date for it-July 27th. It’s gonna gulp a fifth of my salary, but what-the-hell?

I really should tolerate my friends some more. I can’t count how many people I have deleted off my list for simply having ‘wrong updates’. ‘This girl only knows how to snap her boobs’, ‘This boy is always misspelling stolen lyrics’ and pam-pam! I have deleted them. I really should take a Chill Pill.

And yeah, my job. There should be more to life than waking up at 5 a.m every morning and hoping I get to work before my supervisor. There should be more than thinking of the electronic gadget I am going to get at month’s end. The world out there to conquer is bigger than my air-conditioned cubicle. This one is still a thought in formation sha. I will think about it tomorrow.

So many times I walk down the road and see folks been molested. Grieves me man. They have no idea that with some knowledge, they could stand up for their rights.

I wish I could log into a site via my smartphone and read my devotional on the way to work .

Two marvelous folks are here to solves these needs.

Today, 2 great personalities and writers join moi. They would be delivering legal and religious content DAILY(can you imagine). Ladies, meet:

‘Deji Olunlade, a graduate of the University of Lagos. He offers deep insight into the provisions of the law in a bid to enlighten the public on their rights. Give him a shout on evadeji004@yahoo.com and BB PIN: 3133DDEE.

 

 

Fine boy to boot ba  😉

 

 

Funmilayo Adeleke, a banker derives pleasure in other people being happy hence her love for writing. She gets her inspiration from the Holy Spirit. She is comforted and fulfilled by the knowledge that her writing ministers life unto souls everyday and people are being challenged.
You can reach her on funmileads@yahoo.fr

 

 

Noticed the nice smile :d

 

 

 

So there, welcome to a new journey people as you meet these great minds with their daily thoughts on religions and legal matters.

I will still be here dishing out my scattered thoughts 😉

 

I Fear

Posted: May 18, 2012 in Uncategorized
Tags: , ,

*Dusts cobweb, pursues rat that has started breeding, opens blog windows for fresh air to come in*
People have always asked if I write poems. I wish. I love the term ‘Poet’. I love the depth and economy of language. Anyways, the variant of poems I write is called a narrative, like the one I wrote after I left school. Click here for details.
I tried my hands at another narrative recently. Enjoy reading.

I fear
I fear for the time when I will have hairs in my ear
Long whiskers coming out of my nose
Then I will need tweezers for them
And point at my nose knowingly each time I go to the barber’s

I fear
I fear for that time when after doing some writing, she will look at me with eyes full of promise and say ‘Now let us try to make your other pencil work’
But it won’t 😦

I fear for the time when my bushy eyebrows will turn a steely grey
Ah! I fear for that time and I treasure this time

Credits
Photo Montage: @quebec_demmy
Dual Pencil idea from ‘Midnight Children’ by Salman Rushdie
An Osisiye Tafa Production, 2012
Haha..No go think am o!

Sometime last week; Wednesday to be precise, I slept deep. In my sleep, I heard a voice but unlike Samuel, I ignored it.

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I woke up later and it was 6:00 a.m. Shit! I was screwed. The voice was my alarm clock and my ignoring it was akin to signing my death warrant sack letter.

It’s this simple, if I do not get to the BRT point for 6: 00a.m, I would get to work late. Now waking up at 6: 00 a.m is just atrocious; before man bath, wear cloth, spray perfume and grab laptop bag…Chai!

On days like this, I wish I have enough money so I call OAS and simply fly to work.

I got into the bath, ignored my bar of soap and squirted some bath gel into the bucket of cold water. Then sharply, I poured that bucket of bathgel scented water on my body and in the same breath, whipped my towel on and ran out of the bathroom. Gone was the endless pondering over my wardrobe, the first shirt I touched was worn and in two minutes, I was on the road.

On the bike which would take me to work, I glanced at my wrist to know how I had fared, and bare wrist met me. Screw up number 2: I forgot to wear my watch.

I got to the BRT Depot and walked straight to the head of the queue. Now the BRT system works this way; if you come very late and you are in a hurry, you can join a very short queue which is made up of people who want to stand throughout the duration of the journey. This queue is always made up of 22-25 year-olds (physically fit folks) and most of them regret the decision midway the trip.

On this fateful day, I wasted no time in joining the ’standing’ queue. I STOOD THE ENTIRE DURATION FROM BERGER TO TAFAWA BALEWA SQUARE!!!Image

When we got to TBS, I stepped down gingerly. My muscles were sore and I felt, ‘I’ll just go to the convenience in the office and sleep for good thirty minutes when I get in’. (I read somewhere that bosses don’t mind employees sleeping during work hours, they just don’t wanna see you doing it)

As I walk into Tafa Balewa Square, my overall boss calls me ‘Osisiye, where are you’

‘Err, I am almost at the office’

‘Let me see you when you get in’

Thing is I wasn’t scared cos I had no idea how late I was. No wrist watch; no idea of the time remember? (PS: My phone’s screen had a problem then)

The day passed in a blur and after business hours, I headed to Oriental Hotel for my church’s midweek service. (Please don’t ask if I took that nap in the convenience (-_-)

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Service was longer than usual cos we had a preacher from Ireland. Thing is I head back to Magodo after service, that means crossing the Third Mainland Bridge and all.

After service, I had a brief conversation with a lady friend.

‘Hey! How are you’

Fine, fine. How was your week?

Not bad’. She noticed my backpack-the reference to the fact that I didn’t come with a car. ‘Are you going to Ajah?’ she asked kindly.

‘Nah, Magodo actually’

She opened her mouth in surprise and said ‘Then you should be on your way’

I didn’t share her fears, I had no idea what time it was.

At Magodo, as I walk to my house, a man walks in front of me carrying a metal rod. He stops at the lamp post at the junction and started striking it. Yeah, that’s the sound the vigilante men make when its midnight.

I got back in at midnight but throughout the day, I never truly panicked cos I wasn’t wearing a watch’. Perhaps, its not an entirely bad thing going out without a watch. I should do it more often.

Night routine: I brush my teeth, splash some water on my face and as I lay down to sleep, I wear my watch. Some things shouldn’t be repeated twice.

PS: You didn’t enjoy reading this post? Well, I had an accident on Easter Sunday and typed this with 4 fingers-skillz. Better posts when we heal J