This is not a blog post

Posted: February 16, 2015 in Memoirs
Tags: , , , ,

This is not a blog post.

The other day, I and a couple of friends were together at a bar, playing ‘Truth or Dare’ and someone dares one of us (who is engaged) to remove her engagement ring for the duration of the game.

She had already passed up on a few dares so she did this seemingly easy one.

At the last instance, I had a flash of insight. I said instead of placing the ring on the table, she should dump it in my bag. It would be safer there.

That’s how we went home after the game and madam forgot to collect her ring (or I forgot to return it or forgot cancel forgot).

See, her fiancé noticed. He wants an explanation. I don’t have. She doesn’t have. He is angry.

He still wants an explanation.

The marriage is on hold, kind of.

Me, I am just here; afraid, tired.

Fam. I'm tired af

Fam. I’m tired af

How do these things work? That is why I am here today.

What is my explanation? What is my role in all these?

If he doesn’t go ahead with the wedding, am I supposed to marry the fiancée as compensation? But I wasn’t ready.

This is not a blog post. It is a call for entries, for suggestion and advice.

Guys, if I am forcefully conscripted into marriage out of sympathy, there will be no blog posts.

If the fiancé (who happens to be in the Navy) decides he wants to ‘just talk with me’. Ehhnnn, ehnnnn, ehnn ehn, see, I am fragile and there will be no more blog posts.

1410480408

Sometimes, I am sleeping, and I don’t like the way my dream is going. So I wake up and rewrite the script, then I sleep back and redream it. Wallahi, that’s what I just want to do here. That’s all I can think to do.

***

Guys, I’ve always been real.

I was in an interview the other day, and HR went ‘Tell us something about you that we don’t know’

I clapped back in response and told HR, ‘If there’s something you don’t know, it’s good you don’t know it’.

HR met me after the interview and told me I was real yo. Don’t know if being real mean I will get the job though because sometime honesty is not enough

I mean, I really like my career options. I make a mean pot of catfish stew. It means I can always become a kept man if life becomes too hard

***

And yes, I am now almost in a relationship.

She does not like to listen to music when the volume is at odd numbers, she said I should stop talking to Simba and asking what I should buy for him whenever I am going to work and she has seven phone lines. She’s different but it’s fine.

And another thing; I have to decide how many wives I will marry in this life.

You thought I will marry one wife? Lol.  You too check it.

My reaction when folks mistake me for a monogamist

My reaction when folks mistake me for a monogamist

List of great men: Obasanjo, Fela, Ooni of Ife, OJB Jezreel, Sanusi Lamido Sanusi

List of great men with one wife: –

And it’s hard to get the same one woman who can twerk, speak in tongues, make efo riro with iru, make edika ikong with enough periwinkle, do ewedu with broom, kill a boardroom meeting, shoki effectively, is thick, is slim at the same time, has accent, is in tune with culture, is earthy, is posh, is lightskin and also has ebony skin that glows. So I’ve been thinking, I’ve been thinking. Maybe 3?

***

Guys, I am getting older and I am finding joy in little things, like Nollywood movies. Share. I like the part in Mount Zion films where the Pastor can’t fight a demon alone so he calls his goons and they attack the demons as a squad. I like the part in Nollywood movies where the lady tells her boyfriend she’s pregnant and he asks if she has told the father yet

Also, as I grow. I learn. I learn thing like Don’t ever slice the whole N50 pepper inside sauce for breakfast. Many have gone this way. Or that you don’t go and take a pee after slicing pepper for food. One learns every day.

I also noticed I fall in love Easily. When I marry, I’ll stop going to the market cos little jara gets me mushy. Like at the market the other day, this yellow aunty gave me 4 alubosa for N50 and next thing, I asked her if she has a WhatsApp

Went on a road trip the other day. Threw Simba in the car and drove six hours from Lagos to Akure. It was fun, I swear, although critics said I brought dog all the way from Lagos when my mates are bringing wife. On the return trip, we stopped in Wasaanmi village in Ikere, and ate. Everything’s perfect in small towns. Think I’m gonna do Ibadan next. Drive down on a Saturday, eat amala. If you wanna be part, holla.

IMG_20150120_120429IMG_20150119_104950IMG_20150117_114503

I have been talking to some of you and they have told me that this blog thing is like bicycle, if I am not whyning it and whyning it, people will go away. So I will be whyning it more, okay?

Parting Shots

This jam, ‘Take Me to Church’ by Hoizer, fire. Let me know if you want

Advertisements
Comments
  1. bshaba says:

    This is my first time of reading a post on your blog and I just feel like screaming ‘what kind of writing style is this?’ how do you go from asking us to comment on the ring thingy to being mushy cos of Jara and then road trip?
    Anyway, it is as impressive as it is surprising to link all that info in one piece. I guess i’ll have to go through your archives now….

  2. oma Oma says:

    Love it! Love it!! Bikoo, I’d like to be part of your next road trip….Thanks in advance 🙂

  3. 1305dammie says:

    Read this, smiled and thought to myself……Osisiye is a psyco!

  4. David says:

    i wanna be part of that thrip tafa, i’ll just take time off work, havent got a break in the last 3years…and this sounds like the kind of break i want

  5. Ifeoma Nwawe says:

    Osisiye!! I fainted @ Like at the market the other day, this yellow aunty gave me 4 alubosa for N50 and next thing, I asked her if she has a WhatsApp.
    Please keep whining it abeg..

  6. LOL

    U can always say she took it off to wash her hands and forgot it with you

    Add me to the Ibadan trips please

    #Osisiyewhereismycopy

  7. Syrene says:

    Awesomeness. I want to do road trip too please.

  8. Mensah Sey says:

    Writer Tafa, that’s a good one!

  9. talk2tomaj says:

    Hmm…u nd Ur psycho way f writing…three is too small for you, u have to beat d great men to their records…let’s say twenty five wives..#justsaying

  10. L. says:

    I like your writing style. Its funny how you’re my on and off twitter crush but I never ever read your blog. And then you unfollowed me *welp*. Serves me right I guess. Please keep whyning. Lol.

  11. enajyte says:

    ROTFLMAO. This is the funniest thing I’ve read since yesterday. I’m not sure I can deal with one more crazy writer.

    Don’t ever slice the whole N50 pepper inside sauce for breakfast.

    #solidadvice

  12. Ized says:

    so someone retweets this post to my TL.
    I made a mistake clicked on it.

    after laughing hilariously between shaking my head and almost choking on my Tea. I am offing Church cloth and ‘on’ing AC to read more.

    Devil (read Osisiye) you may have won this fight but not the battle.

    Just here wondering also how creepy I will come off if I comment on more than one blog post today.

  13. B says:

    All I want to know is how Ikere got in between Akure and Lagos 😒

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s