Nigga!

Posted: August 21, 2014 in Uncategorized

I was in my room, it was raining heavily. The breeze zipped in past the mosquito net, filled the room and made cold catch me

You say weather for what?

Nigga, we here fighting for survival!

Immediately, I noticed the oncoming rain, I called Simba inside cos rain almost carried him the last time

Then we waited.

The rain started outside, then it came inside.

And this time, turtle floated into my room too.

Any turtle that swims into my room on its own is my friend now

Any turtle that swims into my room on its own is my friend now

I said ‘That’s it. I have had enough. I am going to learn how to swim’

Simba himself is a dope swimmer, so only me signed up at Aquasaf Swimming Institute.

Lol. Nigga!

I said as I was almost drowning during my first lesson, I saw a three year old girl swimming backwards.

I tried to remember what I used my own childhood for. I remembered I was always playing counter game and doing tospee back then.

I just went under the water and cried.

***

It’s my last swimming lesson. Coach Sunny brought fifty kobo coin; he would throw it into the pool and say ‘Fetch’.

That’s karma for you, what you do to your dog will come back to meet you.

End of lesson, he calls me to the side and gives me final advice: ‘So Osi, when you come here alone, make sure you stay in the shallow side and make sure people are around so they will save you if you are drowning in the shallow side’.

I thought I was now a professional swimmer. I was so confuse. I couldn’t even ask for refund.

But this is a video of me swimming these days sha: https://www.dropbox.com/s/kdf9ms1lsmmagqk/Pool%20Video.mp4

 Please ignore the weird way my ass shoots out of the water. Ladies, I have a little something for you at the end of the video *wink*

It’s Hard To Be Straight

It’s hard to be straight, man.

We’re in the canteen and I casually ask my male colleague, ‘You get Snapchat? Add me’

Nigga looks at me like, Nigga!

Nigga!

Nigga!

I just started swimming and it’s sweeting me. I ping male friend and say ‘Make we go swim’

Nigga looks at me like, Nigga!

 

Nigga!

Nigga!

And the Book matter

You guys know I’ve been working on a book ba?

It’s now ready sha

Please help me choose which one to use among these book covers:

Option A

Option A

Option B

Option B

And see review Thisday published on Sunday about my book here: http://bit.ly/VGMF1v

Thisday

Everything will soon be ready sha

There Are Levels

Guys, there are levels to car wahala

There is when they remove your four tyres and put the car on stone. It’s painful

There is when they put your engine under a jangolova, and use chain to jack up the engine and jack down your savings

Then there is when the spare part they need for your car, they will call courier to bring it and those ones will use power – bike to come and drop the part

The baddest is when Rewire will bring out the wire in your car and start joining – joining wire and saying ‘Se o ti tan?’

20140725_150226

Whenever I am in mechanic workshop, I say I will just be walking around, looking at these levels and saying ‘I am covered by the Blood of Jesus. Not my portion’

Parting Shot

I don’t like to share joints with people. Because you carry your friend somewhere, next thing, he will do birthday there and carry the whole world there. Next time you go to your own joint, waiter will tell you there is no space. But Lagos is hard. One stick meat there, one fish roll there, they will tell you your bill is 12k. So I will start sharing my okay and cheap places to help you people. See, this place in Agungi. One k (N1000), and you get this. It’s after VTL Supermarket. Cheers.

20140816_201726

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Comments
  1. BishopAde says:

    That place after Agungi, I will carry that your fine friend that lives in Lekki there. You will follow us but you will pay for your chop by yourself. 🙂 Nice as usual.

    Your No1 Fan.
    BishopAde

  2. dazeetah says:

    Nice one! Congrats on your book. I’d go for Cover A.

  3. Red says:

    The second cover’s better. The one with the typewriter. The colour’s catchy, and the font is also great, and then of course, its typewriter. I mean, you don’t do better than a typewriter, do you? I’d go with that one.

  4. jemmyma says:

    Heyyyyy…. I kno VTL .. There POP overcharged me one time.
    Nee joint.

  5. enjoyed this. cover 2 is better, different and unique

  6. demurebydenike says:

    Haha. I enjoyed this. Reminds me of the voices in my head. The cover with the typewriter is better. Congrats on the book.

  7. Ch!dinma says:

    Lol..nice read! I’ll go for cover A

  8. Damisi says:

    I’ll go for cover B. I slightly prefer it maybe because a typewriter is synonymous with vintage (in my head).
    All that for 1k? God punish that KFC at Muri Okunola. 😁😁

  9. Osisiye, thanks for another hilarious post! I choose cover B, congratulations in advance. Why did you mention your bum shooting out? You now made me look at it. Not fair at all! Looooool! Where’s this institute? I want to learn to swim too, and teach my kid. He won’t spend his childhood playing tospee hahahahahaaa! Please blog more often. Cheers!

    • Osisiye says:

      Hey dear. Aquasaf Swimming Institute is on the mainland but you don’t have to go the distance. A coach will administer lessons on the island This will be at your convenience.Reach out to Coach Sunny on 0803 670 0739.Tell him you’re from Vicky – for some weird reason, he calls me that. Regards.

  10. Eno says:

    Well done Osi and pls blog more often abeg, you really are still a beginner in swimming, was just laughing at the video, lolz, for the book cover, i chose option A, well done and nice tribute on BN, take care and give Simba a hug from me 😀

  11. nice read……P.S the first book cover looks good!.. and congrats on your book!!

  12. Modupe Shittu says:

    Nice write up.option A is much better.

  13. zealthinks says:

    well…I know I am late but will still comment anyways 🙂 I am shocked I don’t get alerts on new posts from your blog…need to check my settings again…
    Great take…I WOULD have gone for cover A though…B is cool with the typewriter but abit too noisy i think if the typewriter can be “under-toned” somewhat then I will say great… 🙂 now onto my question…how can we get the book…especially those of us who are “overseas of Lagos” you know what i mean… 🙂

  14. enajyte says:

    I said as I was almost drowning during my first lesson, I saw a three year old girl swimming backwards.

    #FavouriteLine

    Video didn’t open. Thank God for imagination.

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